Motherhood

I think that all mothers have felt this, the immediate dread of saying the wrong thing within a conversation. When the argument with your toddler in the store gets out of hand and you see both patrons and employees peering into the aisle to see just who you are and what you are doing. Being judged, judging, it happens to the best of us. Why is this? Why don’t we as women choose to love one another and the struggles that go with having children? I was reading an article where a woman without kids writes about her friend who has kids, asking the complex question of what her friend does all day. What do we do all day? And does it matter?

I know I have been judged, and have been on a daily basis. This is why I decided to write it out. I could probably add to this by day, second, minute, and moment. We all have different views on the world. I hang out with people some who choose to parent similarly, some I do not understand at all, most with well-behaved children, some whose children get away with everything. I know this about them, because I have watched, observed, but I can honestly say I try my best not to judge. I do not judge because of the list I am going to give to you, I am not the perfect parent, and I do not claim to be. What I do claim is that I have two fucking fantastic kids, who I love more than anything; they are gorgeous, well mannered, smart, curious, while also crazy, annoying, irritating, loud, and many, many other things.

Things I know I am judged for in no particular order:

I am not an animal lover, I will not pet your dog, I will not say it’s cute, I don’t want to talk about your cat, I have one too, and I don’t even like her.

My kids eat McDonalds *gasp* they do whenever my parents feel like feeding them it, and whenever I am out of time, and they need something other than stale fruit snacks and any other thing I can find in my car.

We frequent aquariums, circuses, and zoos! And we love them, every second of them, my son waits for the circus to come every year, we sit up close, just to see the tears in the elephants eyes. Also I have totally ridden an elephant, and loved that too! I did this stuff as a child, why should my children miss out because society says tigers aren't meant to be performers. We enjoy it, and no matter what sign you shove in my face will not make me change my mind. Did I mention I don’t love animals?

I believe in physical punishment within reason. I have a mean death stare and arm grab. I also kick my son under the table when he’s getting out of hand in restaurants, and he may say “you missed me”, but he calms down when it happens. I also threaten my kids, bribe them, scream at them, and lose my mind in my car about once a month. I cannot say I have spanked them; they have never given me a reason to. Can I say I won’t? NO! There are spankable offenses in the world for which I have saved them up for, these are stealing, hurting others, getting a girl pregnant, I am not sure, but I can’t promise they will never be spanked. I never was until 16 when my mom smacked me across the face, and 11 years later I remember it, clearly. Think about that.

I let my son choose what he wants to do, and yes that includes organized sports. If he says he wants to do something and I pay for it, he’s doing it, every time. None of that I don’t feel like it, better not ask me to sign up next time. I believe in seeing things through, especially when there is money involved.

I did not breast feed until my kids were six, they each got 5 months, and they seem to be just fine.

I let my kids climb, until it makes me nervous. Old women ask me to make my daughter stop, and I say if she falls she will learn. She never falls. She climbs fences, ladders, trees, climbing frames, and I let her. Because the worst that can happen is she learns her own limits!

I give in to candy requests, I buy cheese doodles, and ring pops (both my daughters favorite) and I let her eat them, whenever.

My favorite parenting word is “whatever”. Because really whatever.

We laugh at farts, and I blame a lot of mine on my daughter. The world doesn't know she’s potty trained at 2, and she claims them always, which makes her a great scape goat.

My son goes to public school, and will take the common core tests. He may even go to Charter school, because I think that education is key to black children, and that school is a way out of many situations.

I take my daughter to nail salons, and tell her she is beautiful, and smart, and dress her in pink, sparkles, and cheetah print. Because I love that shit.

I do not brand boycott, in fact I love name brands. My son will only wear name brand clothes and sneakers, and I will coupon for food, and shop online in order to save money for him to have new things seasonally. Nikes, Jordans, Addidas, we buy good sneakers, and always have three pairs in rotation. Because I love that shit.

This list could go on and on, I could ask my kids for some insight, my son would say well you let me curse when dad isn’t home. Oh and I don’t love Jesus, those would be my two biggest parenting flaws from his view. And my daughter, she would say it’s because I will not start breast feeding again, or only feed her hot dogs.

There are some things I do amazingly, which I will not list, let’s just say my son got a letter from President Obama, and has his autographed photo on his wall. He can read and write at five, has won future leader of his class two years in a row. He is ridiculously good looking, kind, caring, compassionate, and one of the best big brothers ever. He sucks at sports, but he keeps playing, and plays with a smile. He does not give up, tells me he loves me and I am beautiful, follows instructions, and goes to school every day happily. My daughter is a gymnast, she is stubborn, gorgeous, smart, well spoken, and looking at her makes me fall in love over and over again. I love being a mom, and I love my children, what I don’t love is the outside world telling me in tiny voices what I should or should not be doing. I want them to know I love them, but I am not their friend, I want them to learn how to treat others, how to respect, commit, create, love, and be themselves. I want them to live a life where they know they are not only brown, but beautiful. Most of all I want them to have the best childhood memories ever, circuses and all.